Visual Novel - Love & Dehumanization

July here

When you're used to feeling ashamed or unique in how you feel, then the most straightforward description can feel profound, especially when you're still untangling them yourself. I kind of hate it. Feeling "seen." We've been told so many times what we're supposed to see ourselves in-- things that have nothing to do with us and don't feel familiar at all. The prescriptive nature of these discussions has rendered the simple act of expression into a somewhat frustrating concept for us, as people are reduced to labels and labels are compacted into narrow acceptability.

The word for this might be jealousy. I hate feeling "seen" on a very gut level.

Love & Dehumanization is a little VN about how its good to meet other freaks when you're a freak. It's essential. It's about a lot of other stuff too but that's just something I think is true. It's also the first time I've really encountered anyone else talking about the experience of disconnection one can feel from having a different sexuality from your headmates. That fact has been profound. I feel that a little perspective has given me the chance to gain a little acceptance of myself where I was struggling. This is a relatively short VN you can play in your browser so I don't want to regurgitate everything that happens in it, but it's worth noting that it's obviously really explicit about masochistic violence and gore and so it comes with a bunch of warnings for content. The author, Aria, is pretty open about being a masochist but this particular work isn't really erotic, rather its a personal and emotional story.

I am not a masochist or a sadist, personally. I just share a brain with some people who are like that. Personally, the love that I would like to give and receive isn't especially complicated: I want to be soft and comforting and cuddle a lot. My libido is kinda in the toilet since starting hormones if I'm honest. Maybe that's why I feel everyone else's preferences come through so clearly, or maybe I just like the idea a little on my own without wanting to participate. I think it's probably a little of both. I've felt... empty, I guess you could say. A little funny, considering I'm mainly jealous of two of my dearest friends who happen to have ideas of intimacy that, shall we say, diverge a great deal from the standards of society. But I'm not exactly normative myself, and they're having fun. Everything should be fine, but I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in the mode we were in before when we couldn't quite untangle ourselves.

I've been focusing on Mira and Viper, but Trinket has her own likes, too. Ones that aren't likely to be upsetting to anyone reading this if I were to list them, but I don't think I will, simply because I'm not completely sure of her feelings on talking about it. Suffice it to say that we're different, but I love her so much and I want to help her with them. To indulge them. To some extent, I can do that, but I do feel inadequate at it. I guess I'm sometimes caught between feeling like I need to be more different than the others and feeling like I should be more similar. Putting it down like this makes me realize that.

I am, therefore, not much like the protagonist of this story, and yet I feel an obvious kinship when it comes to certain feelings. To read their story got me thinking about myself and my situation, and feeling like I'm a little less alone than I thought. If one talks about kink and sexuality, then it has to be understood as something felt by the mind, but also the body itself. If I really want to be a comfort to other people, I might need to listen to our body. I might need to just... be alright with going along with things. Can I, with full awareness, extend my love outwards and be someone all my headmates trust with themselves? I'm not sure. I'm working on it.

Life is kind of infuriating like that. I didn't reach any kind of epiphany that helped me past all my problems. Even our biggest realizations never did that. I feel better, though. I made some more steps. That's, uh, also the conclusion that the story reaches! It draws a bunch of comparisons between different kinds of dissociation, from dysphoria and shame and shame and these unresolved plural feelings, and frankly I think we had all of those and probably some more to sort through when we started. Working on it!

So like I said, you can play this one in your browser and it's rough but sincere and good. Also, Aria makes games with Sylvie as well and Sylvie Lime is a fuckin banger.