Loving
2025 June 16July here.
I had a thought lying in bed. Trinket was there, active and loving as it often is. I realized that, for all the changes in how the four of us relate to each other, for the amount of love I give Mira these days especially, my feelings towards Trinket haven't changed one bit. I love it exactly as much as I always have. I didn't need to cling so tightly. I didn't have to keep myself from anything. It just feels right, and its not diminished by any relationship I have with anyone else.
I know I'm an idiot, and I'm not well-adjusted, and all of this is very obvious. I shouldn't need help to realize these things, maybe. But still, when I was still new to really being an individual person, when I was feeling just how afraid of takin up space, she was the first one to ever tell me off for it. She took some of the burden by force, even when I tried to stop her. I didn't realize it at the time, but I fell in actual, romantic love with it at that moment.
Even though my love was reciprocated, it was clear that the two of us weren't the same. I accepted that. There was no way to avoid it, after all. No matter how much I wanted to pour every ounce of myself into my love, our doll just isn't the romantic type. It just loves freely. Those qualities, too, were things I loved about it. But I felt adrift; even without consciously meaning it, I pulled away from others out of the misguided idea that my love had to be pure. I could only love others as part of our collective, my thinking told me.
Then I broke, felt vulnerable, let others into my feelings, and was able to relax again for the first time in a while. So it was nice to get that confirmation that I haven't lost anything. I'm happy, and I get lots of loving attention. Life is funny like that; you can get big shifts happening out of nowhere. '