Fears

Viper here.

We've had something that could probably be called 'an anxiety disorder' for a long time. We're all afraid of things that hurt us in the past. Not that the lines are quite so clear-cut, but I think that July is afraid of hurting people she cares about. I'm afraid of being abandoned and left alone again. Mira is afraid of failing to meet expectations. Of people being upset with us. I want to protect my kitty from those feelings, and my kitty has that reciprocal desire to be so so so loyal to me. So I whisper to it at times, and remind it that it's mine and I'll never be mad at it and it could never make me unhappy. Mira's my most precious possession; my jewel among jewels, and it deserves all of that and more. It should be living in bliss and comfort all the time, and worrying only about showing its own love, but the world never really allows for fantasies like that, even at its best.

I care very little for the people I don't really trust, and I want to do anything I possibly can for my people. Partly, I've had to learn how to trust, not strangers but the individuals I've latched onto. I can't completely lose my shit and forget their own agency whenever anything happens to them. On that, I've made some progress, at least. But when it's us, things are a little more complicated. I feel what Mira feels, but it's not a disadvantage. It's the opposite: I'm here for it and I'm never letting it go. I can make it feel better with just a little attention, and I'd be lying if I said the same didn't go in reverse.

It's tough, though. It's been tough for a while. I need other people, too, if we're going to get through things. We will, though: I'm too stubborn for anything else. As long as I have something as precious as my little kitty, I refuse to feel any way other than lucky. It's become a lot easier to tell people we love them over the last few years, even if it's not a completely solved problem. We practice on each other, though.