Blood

July here,

I think, recently, I've had to come to a conclusion. Speaking on this frankly but not graphically: I, too, am a Gore Pervert :tm:. Mira and Viper, we know those two have gore kinks, in different ways. For a while, I've thought that I've more been feeling them than myself whenever the fascination hit. To some extent, that's definitely true, but it's not everything. I'm just another kind of person who has feelings which overlap with theirs without being exactly the same.

This isn't really easy for me to come to terms with. Compared to those two, I feel so difficult to define at times. They know what they want. It's straightforward. My emotional needs are maybe a little more 'typical' but I've always had difficulty with them. Maybe I'm jealous of them, just a bit. Not always, though. When I feel that real, deep love in my heart, its so powerful I could never want anything else. A lack of libido doesn't matter at all.

And that point is also where we diverge on this other matter: violence isn't really part of my sexuality like it is for them. Mira is afraid of pain, both physical and emotional, and to trust someone with those vulnerabilities is the strongest form of intimacy for them. Viper is afraid of lacking control, and so he gets excited about having it. All of this is variations on a theme. The gore is something they participate in. For me... it's not quite the same as for Viper, but I get scared of other people suffering more than my own. I'm terrified of hurting someone else. And so, eventually I found myself understanding the obvious: like everyone else, viscerally dark stories about suffering are just me micro-dosing my own worst fairs in a way I can control, same as the others. That means I have different interests than them (with some overlap) and I want to touch them in different ways.

I'm not actually comfortable being super specific with any of this at the moment. But on some level, I feel like I need to get there. I need to feel alright with taking up space in the world. Though, if I do that, maybe I won't be interested in the same things anymore? Not sure! But nobody is going to ask. Nobody is going to force things out of me. Somehow, I have to be the one to make those choices.